Big Girl, Bigger God

I’m beautifully and wonderfully made
I haven’t always believed that though.
There are pictures and videos of girls and women
Sumptuously curved and rhythmically aligned
Smooth faces and unstretched skin
No marks so they were never called jon
Unmatted hair that fell easily past their shoulders
And I wanted a shoulder to cry on because I didn’t look like them.
I’ve been laughed at
For wearing twice the size of 6
And having fat that probably shouldn’t be there
And not having fat that should.
I watched and stared
Getting more infatuated with the female body
What do they have that I don’t?
Why don’t I have what they do?
You see I started fantasizing going through the curves and edges of my sex
So I could understand what attracted the other sex
Because no one was looking at me.
Was I beautiful too?
Even filters couldn’t help me look the way others did.
No amount of face smoothening and colour changing and eye widening and lip plumping and layers upon layers of makeup…
Could make me feel beautiful.
I had few pictures because I would scrutinise each nook and cranny
And delete the ones in which I looked like a granny
I wasn’t obsessed with my looks
But I believed everyone else was.
So if I didn’t look nice, why bother trying?
Then He came in
His word told me that He formed me in my mother’s womb
That He carefully framed and sculpted and moulded every inch of my being
That I was fearfully and wonderfully made.
“Fearfully, so does that mean guys were supposed to be afraid of me?”
No, it means guys were supposed to be afraid of losing me
A dark chocolate African girl with super kinky hair, a bi-coloured, pimple-covered face, extended tummy, too high hips and almost non-existent derrière?
Me?
Yes
The one who makes people laugh and comforts them when they cry
The one who makes friends easily and heals broken relationships
The one who loves romance and teaches others about the book of Romans
Her crooked legs and pudgy nose may not be beautiful according to your standards
But to God, she’s all that He hoped for.

---

Some topics aren’t easy to talk about, but they need to be said. This is for all the girls who have felt like me, one way or the other. You’re beautiful just the way you are.

THE LAMbOLOGICAL SAPPHIRE