I Sing of Hope

I was lost.
Petrified of being alone
Yet wandering away from others
Swimming, dancing, drowning in a pool of my own bottomless invisible tears
No, you couldn’t see
How could you?
I refuse makeup
But here I was masking my dilemma to showcase the smile you know.
I let you see what I wanted you to see
I wished the sea of agony would be gone before you could see
That the pretty picture wasn’t even half of the bigger frame
It was just a point, a dot, a comma, a world wide web full of false smiles and empty jokes
Not every laughing emoji I send means I’m laughing
I said not every laughing emoji means I’m laughing
So for a week, the only thing my sponge and soap could tell you after I came out of the shower is that
I sang of pain.

I am tired.
I’m sick and tired of the struggle to understand
The forces that walk as couples causing my mind to revolve about axes of despair
I can’t begin to question the tests and trials
The tales of disappointment that follow me
Where are goodness and mercy?
Where is the freedom that I seek?
Where is the algorithm that could explain why my heart aches?
Maybe it would tell me that the inputted radius of confusion multiplied by the height of my pride and the pies I eat will definitely give me the perimeter of my problems.
I’m afraid I won’t make it to the end
That every decision was a mistake
That the future looks the opposite of exciting
And I can’t wait to exit this mockery of my life.
I still don’t know what’s wrong
And because of it,
I sing of fear.

I’ll be fine.
That’s what we all say when we have no surety of the future
But see, I’ll be fine
When the thoughts come back?
When the insecurities threaten to lock you up again?
When the doubts and dread twist amazing mazes in your cerebral cortex?
Yes, I’ll be fine
Even if you fail?
Even if you lose your way?
Even if nothing works out?
Of course I’ll be fine
What about–
I said I’ll be fine!
Not because I’m sure of the future
Not because I’m “destined” for greatness
But because I trust that my God,
The one who created me
Who made me in the strange and peculiar way that He did
Who looked at me and called His creation “good”,
Will always look out for me.
That, is why
I will sing of hope.

Yay! She returns, hehe. I went through a tough time last week and this piece is the product of it. Check out the video on my YouTube channel (I Sing of Hope). Enjoy!

THE LAMBOLOGICAL SAPPHIRE